I recently had a conversation with a friend that made me think of how many people there are who take advantage of new people, especially in the lifestyle. It doesn’t always matter how much research you do, some people are just that good at painting the picture you want to see. There is a reason in BDSM we have munches, negotiations, CONSENT, safe words, etc…. safety for everyone.
One of the most alarming things was Alexa* had met Damien and within their first one or two dates, she attempted to ask questions. Damien’s response was “You don’t get to ask questions, you don’t get to tell me what you like & don’t like – as your Dom I make all those decisions.” It doesn’t matter what role you have in the relationship or even if its a BDSM relationship, you always have the right to speak up. You have the right to ask questions and say what you like and don’t like. Consider you have a health problem that makes certain action dangerous to your health and your Dom knowing best didn’t ask about this and told you not to speak, you are putting your life in danger. Any Dom is always going to ask your limits and things you like or don’t like. They will also ask even why you don’t like those things, it gives a sense of who you are. For example, I don’t like being in a cage and it’s hard limit. The reason behind it was due to a childhood moment, I was locked in a dark room and was given zero way out nor did anyone come to check on me until over 8 hours later.
It is one thing to be in a committed relationship with your Dom and told not to speak. He knows you and you two have “negotiated.” There are even times now when playing with my Sir, there are things that are 99% of the time okay, but because of things such as health I have to ask him to stop or I let him know my body is out of whack. You should feel comfortable having this open line of communication. You may wonder what does my Sir say when such things happen, he says good girl or thank you. I spoke up to let him know. There is no shame or humiliation from him, there is no pushing of you can take more. Do not blindly give someone your trust, when they don’t respect you and you don’t know them. It took a while to trust my Sir and I was honest with him about it. It’s not that I didn’t want to, he seemed absolutely amazing at first, but trust takes time. Any person should respect that and never demand your trust or respect.
Another interesting development was Damian wanted to bring in another girl to the their barely started relationship. Alexa wasn’t even to meet the girl, Damien said to trust him and his judgement. If there are other people being brought in that you don’t know and have never met, you should be able to request meeting them before anything takes places. This isn’t just about another person, it’s about risk. Has there been talk of STD’s? What they are going to do? Why are they being brought in? How do you know you can trust them? There is vulnerability in relationships you should have trust in all parties.
The whole point of this post is always trust your gut. If anything feels wrong (in the bad way), you feel the person doesn’t have the best intentions at heart, or anything at all – stop and run, don’t walk, away. It’s the same for meeting someone chose a well lit, well populated, and well known spot to meet someone. Don’t go anywhere alone with them. I once had a date to meet a Dom in a coffee shop in the middle of court square, the police station was right across from it. I even have an app that I turn on when I went on dates, it essentially followed me where I went and sent it to a friend. I had a timer set that would go off but look like a text message so nothing seemed strange, and if the guy was dangerous I would reply to the text. It all may seem crazy but your health & safety is never too much. I am glad I don’t have to go through all those hoops anymore, but after being hurt I wish to help in any way I can to help others. There are worse horror stories than mine, people kidnapped, killed, raped, emotionally/physically abused. So if you are worried speak up, it’s better to say something to someone you trust and have it be nothing than be worried it’s nothing and have it actually be something.
*all names are made up and do not pertain to actual person*
As always if you need an ear, you need someone to talk to – always feel free to drop me a line. I am here for you always.