Disappearing Act

My apologies for disappearing. I learned some very hard lessons in a very painful way that made it necessary to step away because of needing to heal. While it was necessary it was also depression that made me step away. I lost myself and while it may be embarrassing, it is important for you to know.

In the vanilla world it is definitely easy enough to get hurt, add in the predators that may lurk in the BDSM world it can get even worse. I don’t say this to shy you away from the lifestyle or scare you, I say this as a caution to be careful. Always pay attention to your gut, talk to others that you are familiar or comfortable within the lifestyle. I had some amazing friends that listened, help me pay attention to my gut, and supported me during the depression.

bad relationships can change good peopleMy previous Dom and I met through a mutual friend. She was vanilla but knew both of us were in the lifestyle. He was tall, and had the whole dark and broody thing going on. I have a type, I will gladly admit that. There is a full post but I suspect is for another day.

At the end of it all, I was left a mess and in shambles. I deleted my Fetlife profile, I stepped away from all of it, the self loathing was deep. I hated myself for a while thinking if i was more beautiful, more willing, more….something it could have been a better relationship. Those feelings sadly ran into my relationship with my husband. I ended up having to go to therapy and even having to take medication for a bit. I was also ashamed for a while, I am ordinarily such a smart and independent fierce person, how did I become this person that needed therapy and medication to make it through each day. As time went on, I got more in touch with all of it and what the truth of it really was. I had done nothing wrong except maybe by not leaving the relationship earlier. As a dear friend told me “I was a beautiful and amazing submissive, a submissive that Doms seek.” It took a while for that to sink it but her words along with the help of my husband brought me back. I couldn’t just cut out BDSM from my life, it was just as much part of me as likeing Star Wars. It wouldn’t just magically go away.

8y4bdI slowly rejoined Fetlife, created a whole new account going as far as to incorporate the name “Phoenix Rising” into my profile.  I went on a lot of dates, had lots of messages, and almost lost hope. I was beginning to wonder if i would ever find a Dom. But I would rather listen to my gut and be careful than rush it for the sake of having a Dom. I asked lots of questions, I message through a third party rather than giving my number. There was also a new step I put in place, I had my husband meet them. Only one ever got to this step, either they randomly stopped talking to me after a date, they didn’t want to have to go through all that or it just wasn’t a right fit – I knew what I wanted.  Trust me the search was crazy. Trust me there are all types, some good, some bad and some that had me running towards the block button super fast. Here’s a thing, if after several messages stating that there are rules, they still ask you to come to their house alone because their wife is gone – run. I don’t care what they promise they can do with their “magical dick”. I have found one and he is pretty fucking incredible. I have been shown in several ways just how wrong my last one was. He adores me in an amazing way.

I am coming back to the blog but it is a slow process. I am still deciding how to do everything.

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