There is a pain to BDSM that no one will ever tell you. It’s not what you would expect. The lifestyle, playing, scening, submitting – it’s a drug. It gets into your bloodstream. If I hear a song that played while I was playing, my heartbeat will pick up. My skin will become sweaty and flushed. The hormones flow through you and make you soar. Your body remembers what happened to this song. Your mind does too, but your mind knows that you don’t do that.
Your source it stopped for reasons. And at first you think you’ll be okay until your not. Until you feel like you are crawling in your skin. You crave the pleasure/pain. You crave the mental subspace. You crave the sweat, the sounds, the smells, the…anticipation. And you wonder do you want to find another person to experience that with, to feed the addiction. Because it wants to be fed. You can deny it, but your body will never lie. It won’t become aroused for nothing. You fight it with your mind going, I am strong, I can beat this. But your body sends a shiver down your spine until you feel the release of the chemicals. You clench your legs together trying to contain it, but it doesn’t work.
You hear a belt snap, you hear a “sir”, you see a collar and you hurt. You hurt right down to your toes. It isn’t the good pain. It’s the lose. You’ve lost a part of yourself with your Dom. Your mind doesn’t get quiet anymore. Your skin only has the electricity running beneath it without anyway of being released. The submission is in you, but you can’t give it to the outside world. They don’t deserve it. It belongs to your Dom. But you don’t have one, and you feel lost. You try to read about it, google images of it, they stimulate your brain but your body knows the lie.
And it almost sounds like maybe you shouldn’t have starting giving in to that side of you, because then you wouldn’t be an addict. That’s true but man that feeling when you have given your very soul and your mind is blank and you are just riding the very chemicals your body has produced and you get that whisper “Good Girl”, that, that right there makes it all worth it. So for now you sit on the sidelines knowing while you want to get rid of the addiction, you really don’t.
You know deep down you will find your Dom again and you will get that slice of heaven back, but in the meantime it’s learning your own strengths. It’s about learning about yourself more. Take this time to research about things, including your own body. The body is always changing. One thing that didn’t cause a reaction now makes you pant just hearing about it. Learn that while it’s scary and painful everything is a peace of heaven. It was a different brand of the same drug. They aren’t different but they have different side effects. You are a goddess, you are beautiful, you are worthy. You don’t need a Dom to know/feel that. (Oh it helps, but you’ve had the power all along) That is all you. You may not have the collar but damn when you do get one again, you will shine brighter. You made it through this loss, you made it through this pain. The Dom who earns your soul next, feeds your addiction, gives you the most glorious high…will make you shine brighter.
Was it worth it? You bet your ass it was. There is a war inside you right now and it hurts. But from one submissive to another, I’m here for you.