In life there are tons of labels and most of them are pretty self-explanatory. However when you delve into the word of Kink and BDSM there are even more. Do they really mean anything and do you have to have only one label?
Labels only carry as much weight as you want them to. At the end of the day you are human and that is the most basic and only real true label. Everything else is just an additive. One of the most common things I see is I am a submissive but I am also slave at times. Can I be both? Are they contradictory to be both? Yes, you can be several things at once and no it’s not contradictory. Everyone is different things at different times. Some people are yes purely always one thing, but that doesn’t always last forever. Or the most popular thing what if I don’t fit in anything in particular, that is completely okay. You don’t need to label what you like as long as you know what it is you like. Just because you don’t have labels doesn’t mean you aren’t truly into kink, just like having labels doesn’t mean you are automatically into kink. I know people that have some kink tendencies but they aren’t into the world of BDSM. (Strange I know, that will come later kiddos)
I was once at a party as a submissive however I was not the submissive of anyone there. I did not have a Dom to answer to. However one guy thought just because he was a Dom and I was a submissive, I would yield to him because of the labels. He got a very rude awakening. I show Doms respect but I will not yield on the principle of you being a Dom alone. You haven’t earned my submission nor do you get it automatically. In the job force and day to day, I am an alpha. There is not a submissive bone in my body during the daily humdrum of life. At home and at clubs and parties that is different. Some times I am pure submissive, other days I am feeling feisty and have a touch of brat in me. For example one day I was playing with my Dom and he had a long day. I had done something wrong and he was tying me up and then flogging me. I may have started humming the Devo Song “Whip It, Whip it Good.” It was difficult to sit down for a few days later but man it was fun. However same rule, respect is a two way street. If a Dom were to ask “Would you like to play?” after discussing hard limits and such I may very well do so. This didn’t have to do with him being a Dom though, it had to do with manners.
Then there is one time I was at a munch and I was introduced to this guy. He had alpha Dom written all over him. It was like breathing in a drug. If he would have said on your knees now, I probably would have done it. The submissive in me recognized the alpha Dom in him. It could have been the military stance with tattoos and nicely placed piercings and some very nice cologne he had on. Or it could have been that stare that seemed to go straight to my hormones or the voice…well you get my point. By the end of just talking to him about our likes, I was panting. However, I’ve only come across men like that very seldom.
If you ever meet a Dom and he wants you to submit for him example at a club because you are a submissive, you have the right to say No for no reason other than you can if you don’t like him. If he persist you have the right to let whoever is in charge know. Think of the term submissive just like an actual name label you have to put on at those awkward functions. First you write your name on it, stick it on and then at the end of the night you take it off that is the end of the label. You choose how long to wear it and who to show it to. I had another guy ask me at a munch “What role are you?” I had just met him right as he asked that question. I chose not to disclose that for many reasons part of it was I just didn’t feel like telling him. It’s a personal thing and most of the time people don’t have to ask it.
I have a girlfriend that as soon as we became friends and it came out we were both into the lifestyle. She went oh you are a hardcore down to the bone submissive, but with a brat streak.” She knew it instantly, she was a switch. She saw all my reactions to things and just knew.
I’ve listed a basic breakdown of the most common labels you will hear in the BDSM/Kink community. I’ve gathered these definitions from various sources, they are not the final say in those definitions.
Asexual: A person who has no sexual feelings or desires.
Bisexual: A person who is sexually attracted to both men and women.
Bottom: One who receives physical sensation from a top in a scene. Is not necessarily emotionally committed to his/her Top.
Brat: A bottom who enjoys struggling against the control or challenging the top. Also rather than submitting challenging or annoy her/his Dom/Domme to entice punishment.
Dom: A person who exercises control. Term generally used for males.
Dominant: A person who exercises control.
Domme: Woman who exercises control.
Dungeon Monitor (DM): A person who supervises the interactions between participants at a play party or dungeon to enforce house rules.
Harem: A group of submissives serving one or more dominants.
Heterosexual: A person who is sexually attracted to only people of the opposite sex.
Homosexual: A person who is sexually attracted to only people of their same sex.
Masochist: Person who enjoys pain.
Master: A male that takes the dominant role in play. The title may be bestowed upon the male dominant in appreciation of his skill. It may also be a term of endearment by a submissive in a relationship.
Mistress: A female that takes the dominant role in play. The title may be bestowed upon the female dominant in appreciation of his skill. It may also be a term of endearment by a submissive in a relationship.
Painslut: A person who enjoys receiving a heavy degree of pain but may or may not enjoy submitting.
Pansexual: Non-gender specific sexual orientation. A group that encompasses all sexual and gender orientation.
Psychosexual: Emotionally, attitudes, orientations, or mind sets associated with erotic behavior or sexual fantasy life.
ProDom: Male professional dominant – charges money for services.
ProDomme: Female professional dominant – charges money for services.
Sadist: Person who enjoys inflicting pain.
Slave: A person (usually submissive) who consensually gives up total control of one or more aspects of their life to another person (their Master).
Submissive: A person that gives up control either all the time or for a specified amount of time. (Not the same as bottom or slave)
Switch: Someone who likes being both Top and bottom, either in one scene or on different occasions.
Top: One who takes the active role in physical scene but not necessarily emotion/mental control.Not to be confused with Dom which is the generally the person who puts the whole scene together. A top can be a dom but it is not always the same thing.
Transexual: A person who is born a physical gender that does not match his/her personal psychology.
Transvestite: A man or woman dressing in the clothing of the opposite gender.